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When I talk about stress management, I usually refer to day-to-day stressors like missing your train, or dealing with an irate client at work. But this past week has been particularly trying for me and many of my colleagues because we experienced an acute stressor with the sudden and unexpected passing of a co-worker. While, bereavement is a somewhat separate issue, I felt the need to discuss how a tragic loss contributes to our experience of stress and how we can utilize
our support networks to cope with it. I want to start by sharing with you an admission of my own flaws as a person who struggles to deal with her emotions. I first received the news as I was walking into the office on Monday morning. I was definitely taken aback but for some reason unable to show it. I verbally expressed remorse but I refrained from showing any sign of emotion. Then, when I felt the emotion swelling inside and knew that it could not be held back anymore, my reaction was to flee and hide. I quickly went into my office, shut my door and cried. I got angry at myself for not being able to control my emotions though I new that my response was normal. Knowing the power of peer support, I wanted so much to reach out to my other coworkers as I knew that they must have been experiencing similar feelings but I couldn't let them see me crying. I rationalized that I couldn't be supportive if I was falling apart and I didn't want to put the burden on anyone else to have to console me because it is my job to be the supporter. After about an hour, I was able pull myself together and talk to my staff who I felt like I abandoned by not reaching out to them sooner to show my support. We shared our feelings of shock, remorse, sadness, concern for our co-worker's family, and brainstormed about how we could reach out to them. Though I was able to share my thoughts, I continued to mask my feelings until a co-worker came along and unexpectedly gave me a hug. That simple gesture triggered a flood of emotion that was so strong, it was uncontrollable. She and another coworker both consoled me. I don't remember their exact words but I do remember that their compassion allowed me to finally feel safe and express my emotions openly. I realized that I had been trying to suppress my feelings and by doing so I was not reducing my stress level but holding on to it. As a mental health clinician, I know that one of the best ways to handle a crisis is to elicit support. This brief encounter allowed me to let out what I had been trying so hard to hold back and then gather the strength to become pro-active and resume my role as a supporter. We reached out to other colleagues who had also been hiding behind their closed doors to let them know that they were not alone in what they were experiencing. At the end of the day, our colleagues decided to gather together to say a prayer. Though I am not a deeply religious person, this was truly a beautiful experience for me. My co-worker's words were perfect in resonating what I and I am sure others were feeling but unable verbalize. My initial reaction was again to hold back and fight the tears but her words were too deep and too truthful for me to allow myself to display emotions that were anything less than deep and truthful. I allowed myself to cry and soon realized that I was not crying alone. It was such a touching experience to be part of a large group of people who could put their differences aside and come together and be both supported and supportive.
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